The Boulder and Me

April 2, 2018

When life throws us challenges our minds go to their comfort zones. For some people that’s a religious factor and for others it could mean they reach to within, but for me, I seek the strength in those I love and hold dear to my heart. A year and half ago I was thrown the largest bolder I have ever had to handle, and I have handled a lot in my life.

A year and half ago I was thrown the largest bolder I have ever had to handle, and I have handled a lot in my life.

I handled a nontraditional childhood. Where I sought care from those around me. I handled my own mother battling a disability that tried to take her life once when I was eight, and would end up taking it when I was 13. I battled a move from the only town, friends, and family I had known. I battled anxiety and depression through my teen years. I battled a long distance relationship and learning what love truly meant. I battled three difficult pregnancies with one not surviving. I battled my daughter being born with medical needs and fighting for treatments. I battled financial difficulties.

I think every battle builds. It starts with a little snowball and rolls down the hill. At first it is small. You can jump those small ones, but as you travel through life it begins to collect more snow and it becomes harder and harder to just jump, at some point you have to claw you way over. Right now I am still stuck on this last boulder and I am clawing. I am clawing with all of my might, but I just can’t get to the top.

Right now I am still stuck on this last boulder and I am clawing.

You see, when I was thrown this huge boulder I sought strength in those closest to me. I saw my mother battling with the disease, day in and day out. I saw a friend in high school dealing with some personal struggles that had been kept a secret, but was starting to let go. I saw school teacher reaching out and helping struggling students to make sure they knew how much they were loved. I saw strong women in my life. The strongest you could imagine. Showing love for their children that I didn’t know could be possible. Don’t get me wrong, I was loved as a child, but this love I saw from these particular women in my life, left me speechless. I saw strength from one of my close friends as he overcame a major brain surgery and rose up to teach, to build up, and strengthen hundreds of kids over the years. To take a devastating event in your life, conquer it in such a way that those around you feel the radiating strength, is at a whole different level. I saw all these people. People I love, and sit near and dear to my heart, achieve greatness. Here I was standing at the bottom of this boulder, about to embark on the largest climb my life has built up to be and I knew, because of these people in my life, I had strength.

I saw all these people. People I love, and sit near and dear to my heart, achieve greatness.

So, I may not have taken a religious approach to my battle, but I don’t think my approach is much different. I have been conflicted with religion for years. I am in a point of my life that I am unsure where I stand with the big man up top. I am not saying I don’t believe, and I am not saying I do. I’m floating somewhere in the middle. But when I am really struggling I talk to my mom, who is my angel, and she gives me strength.

I am in a point of my life that I am unsure where I stand with the big man up top.

I feel like I am rambling. If you get nothing else out of this post, understand this. When you are thrown a boulder that is quite possibly the largest thing you have ever encountered. Don’t run, start to climb, because no matter how big the trek is, you are making progress. Even if you are clinging on for dear life, and you feel like you are going nowhere, you are. You are there, breathing, and as long as you are breathing you are the strength you sought elsewhere, you are everything and more.

One Breath at a Time!