Posts tagged: blog Archive

Rhiannon’s Life

2023-07-08T00:00:00Z

Hello and welcome

It’s just the Carpet…

2023-07-08T00:00:00Z

I had good intentions when I said I wanted to replace just the carpet. However, if you look at the path to replace the flooring, it continues with the floors. We should paint so we are not ruining the new flooring as it goes down. Plus, I am being honest; the maroon and tan that our home has EVERYWHERE is incredibly triggering to me (that’s a trauma issue). It’s time for the paint colors to go!

Now that we have the floors and walls covered, have I mentioned how outdated our furniture is? This being our first home, it looked like six different apartments crammed together, with an assortment of storage and decor.

Waylon had already sprayed our brick fireplace black to test the new paint sprayer before using it on the front of our house. We love the way the black looks on the brick. Now it was time to cover up the maroon and tan. Waylon decided he could spray the walls. It went quickly but filled our home with paint fumes, leaving my lungs in distress.

I always balance my medical symptoms with my stubbornness to get things done. However, breathing is a deal breaker.

I stopped him from spraying, and we rolled the remaining wall. The intense release of emotion I felt covering up the maroon and tan was terrific! I will put the paint colors below if you are curious.

SO… Off to Menards I went. I was trying to purchase the cheapest flooring to fix this carpet so our animals stopped shredding it and marking their territories.

I purchased this cheap flooring that was on sale. It would get the living room done in under $400; that way, when we want to eventually put the money towards the flooring, we can upgrade. I loaded the flooring and got it home.

There, a solution was made. Until I had Waylon unload all the boxes into our living room, I started trying to lay down this “flooring.” I am convinced it is just fancy cardboard at this point. The planks were made from MDF and shredded as the boards went together. It looked horrible on our floor, and we only put one box down. This was not a good sign. We quickly realized why quality is so much more important than quantity. Back to the drawing boards we went. Or, in my case, back to Pinterest and YouTube.

Lesson 1:

Do not be a cheap scape and figure out your desired final look. Buy quality products to start with.

We took a step back; I watched many YouTube videos, automatically making me a professional in my tackling. I learned about the various types of floors and what underlayment is. I researched the three big box stores in our area and realized that HomeDepot was the place I was going with to get the LifeProof Flooring. I like how it looks, and its features of being suitable for pets and kids and somewhat waterproof were lyrics to my ears. The cost got me, though. Whew…not what I wanted to spend, but I am thankful we did it. In the long run, this will make our home beautiful, eliminate the mismatched tile, and bring the cabinets only slightly off-color.

I have future building plans for the cabinets, and worrying about painting them now is not worth the effort. We can survive with the lower cabinets for a little longer. The backsplash was a completely different story. Brown backsplash with modern blue-white countertops, um…I think not.

When we moved in, our upper cabinets were covered in a quarter inch of solid grease, pet hair, and food particles. Goodbye, upper cabinets, and hello, open shelves for now.

On the record, I had already purchased ball jars and clear containers for dry goods. Making the decision to put open shelving easier. Looking back, I need to raise them a bit, change the layout to put in an oven hood later and eliminate the random junk covering every inch. I wanted the clean and organized look, not let’s be monkeys and throw our shit, hoping it stays in place.

The timeline I assumed this would take is a couple of weekends. Truthfully it took a good 6 months, and that isn’t counting the holiday session; we stopped working on the kitchen, and in its place was decorated for Santa. What more could you expect of holiday cheer.

Now our living room and kitchen are done until I decide something else needs to be changed, and I am the woman for the job. Nothing is ever permanent in my mind.

Tool List

Safety Glasses
Carpet Tack Puller
Box Cutter with spare Blades
Trim Crowbar
Regular Crowbar
Vynl Cutter
Red Seam Tape
Safety Gloves
Hearing Protection
Shop Vac with special attachments
Rubber Mallet
Vynl Floor Accessory Kits

Products We Used

Life Proof Flooring (Oak Trail)
Underlayment
Trim Pieces
Red Underlayment Tape
stick-on backsplash
Construction Adhesive
Caulk for counter and around the Floor

Paint Colors Used

FirePlace Brick:

FirePLace Wall: Light Grey:

Rhiannon’s Life

2023-07-08T00:00:00Z

Just a Tish About Us #

We are a mid-30s couple with two kids. My husband, son, and daughter are all neurodivergent which gives them superpowers. I on the other hand try to navigate surviving Complex Trauma from all forms along with living through new traumas as they arrive. I am undergoing a never-ending fight against Neuroendocrine Cancer (NET Cancer) and Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. I am missing part of my lung, thanks to the wonderful Cancer, but refuse to let it slow me down. Anxiety is always at my side like a third saggy boob along with current undiagnosed medical issues.

If this all seems chaotic it’s because it is. My coping mechanisims are signing myself up for more than I can handle and proving myself wrong.

Just when you thought that was enough for anyone to tackle, well, we purchased our first home on 2/22/22. We were previously renting and had to rush to buy. Our home wasn’t perfect, but I have a vision in my mind, and plenty of Pinterest boards to back me up of the beautiful home it will turn into.

If you lost track that is Cancer, Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, Trauma, Anxiety, New Homeowners, Neurodivergent Family Members, and undiagnosed medical problems.

If this sounds at all interesting to you or even a hot mess express that you can’t look away from, well follow along!

Some Pictures #

@waylon added these for later

The Boulder and Me

2018-04-02T00:00:00Z

April 2, 2018

When life throws us challenges our minds go to their comfort zones. For some people that’s a religious factor and for others it could mean they reach to within, but for me, I seek the strength in those I love and hold dear to my heart. A year and half ago I was thrown the largest bolder I have ever had to handle, and I have handled a lot in my life.

A year and half ago I was thrown the largest bolder I have ever had to handle, and I have handled a lot in my life.

I handled a nontraditional childhood. Where I sought care from those around me. I handled my own mother battling a disability that tried to take her life once when I was eight, and would end up taking it when I was 13. I battled a move from the only town, friends, and family I had known. I battled anxiety and depression through my teen years. I battled a long distance relationship and learning what love truly meant. I battled three difficult pregnancies with one not surviving. I battled my daughter being born with medical needs and fighting for treatments. I battled financial difficulties.

I think every battle builds. It starts with a little snowball and rolls down the hill. At first it is small. You can jump those small ones, but as you travel through life it begins to collect more snow and it becomes harder and harder to just jump, at some point you have to claw you way over. Right now I am still stuck on this last boulder and I am clawing. I am clawing with all of my might, but I just can’t get to the top.

Right now I am still stuck on this last boulder and I am clawing.

You see, when I was thrown this huge boulder I sought strength in those closest to me. I saw my mother battling with the disease, day in and day out. I saw a friend in high school dealing with some personal struggles that had been kept a secret, but was starting to let go. I saw school teacher reaching out and helping struggling students to make sure they knew how much they were loved. I saw strong women in my life. The strongest you could imagine. Showing love for their children that I didn’t know could be possible. Don’t get me wrong, I was loved as a child, but this love I saw from these particular women in my life, left me speechless. I saw strength from one of my close friends as he overcame a major brain surgery and rose up to teach, to build up, and strengthen hundreds of kids over the years. To take a devastating event in your life, conquer it in such a way that those around you feel the radiating strength, is at a whole different level. I saw all these people. People I love, and sit near and dear to my heart, achieve greatness. Here I was standing at the bottom of this boulder, about to embark on the largest climb my life has built up to be and I knew, because of these people in my life, I had strength.

I saw all these people. People I love, and sit near and dear to my heart, achieve greatness.

So, I may not have taken a religious approach to my battle, but I don’t think my approach is much different. I have been conflicted with religion for years. I am in a point of my life that I am unsure where I stand with the big man up top. I am not saying I don’t believe, and I am not saying I do. I’m floating somewhere in the middle. But when I am really struggling I talk to my mom, who is my angel, and she gives me strength.

I am in a point of my life that I am unsure where I stand with the big man up top.

I feel like I am rambling. If you get nothing else out of this post, understand this. When you are thrown a boulder that is quite possibly the largest thing you have ever encountered. Don’t run, start to climb, because no matter how big the trek is, you are making progress. Even if you are clinging on for dear life, and you feel like you are going nowhere, you are. You are there, breathing, and as long as you are breathing you are the strength you sought elsewhere, you are everything and more.

One Breath at a Time!

Denied for Disability

2018-03-27T00:00:00Z

March 27, 2018

Recently Waylon and I received some financial coaching to figure out how to handle my death when it comes. Unfortunately, I did not have life insurance before being diagnosed with Cancer. This is a pretty big issue. Waylon and I have embarked on the journey to getting out of debt. We are following Dave Ramsey, and his baby step program. In this program there are 7 baby steps to being debt free.

Step 1: Save $1000
Step 2: Debt Snowball
Step 3a: 3-6 Months of Expenses in Savings
Step 3b: Down Payment on a house with 15-20% Down
Step 4: 15% of Income in Retirement
Step 5: Save for Kid’s College
Step 6: Pay off Mortgage
Step 7: Be Generous and wealthy

We began this journey hardcore in August 2017. We hit rock bottom. We reached a point where it was difficult to pay for groceries at the end of the month and we were eating garlic noodles multiple times a week because that was all we could afford. We were paying minimums on all of our debts which was well over half our monthly income. We couldn’t afford to live and had no future. As a couple we were distant from each other. The stress from the money and medical problems had taken over our marriage and we were barely surviving. We knew something had to change. We were offered some help and for the first time we said, yes. You see, Waylon and I had known the Dave Ramsey program for a couple of years at this point, and would off and on start and stop it. We had not hit desperate. We were in denial. We thought we were living a “normal” life. We were wrong.

As a couple we were distant from each other. The stress from the money and medical problems had taken over our marriage and we were barely surviving.

So we packed up our stuff, and moved in with some friends. We decided to drastically change our lives. We decided to live like no one else so later we could LIVE like no one else. Everything has been going great. We have paid off $20,000 dollars in 5 months and cash flowed our ongoing medical bills, new tires, and other expensive murphy events (something is bound to go wrong when you are not prepared to handle it). Murphy lived with us for 6 years. We gave him a vacancy notice and changed the ending to our story. Along with this process we have learned several grown up concepts. Debt is not normal. A credit score is a record of how much debt you are in, not a number to brag about. Anyone can be a millionaire and with any salary if you have no debt and handle your money correctly. Life insurance is vital to taking care of your loved ones and those that depend on you, but once you reach a certain age you only need enough to cover the costs of the funeral. Life insurance should be purchased outside of your work in case you get diagnosed with a life threatening illness and can’t get approved for life insurance after the diagnosis. Wait a minute. Let me stop right there. This sounds great, but I have Cancer. I can’t get approved for life insurance? I’m 28 and have 2 small children and a husband. Well, I learned about that one too late. What do I do now?

Well, we were honored with stopping at Dave’s office and got set up with his partner who started the business with him. The plan is to plan for the funeral now. We are pausing our snowball to save up $15,000 to pay for my funeral and cover Waylon’s loss of wages during his grieving period. Then we will jump right back into the snowball.

When you plan for these events they appear less scary. I don’t fear the car needing maintenance. I don’t have a panic attack when the kids need new clothes or when we blow a tire on the side of the road, and on top of that, we own our vehicles, not the bank. Guess what happened when we got our finances in order? Our marriage got stronger. We looked at each other differently. Being frugal doesn’t mean you have no life. It means you have a written budget and you make your money behave on paper before you spend it. If something pops up in the middle of the month you adjust the budget and handle it.

When we were meeting with the financial advisor he suggested that I apply for Disability since I am unable to work. Disability was originally designed for people like me who physically and mentally cannot work due to a medical condition. I struggled coming to terms with applying for Disability. I didn’t want to admit that I wouldn’t be re-entering the workforce. I have dreams of going back to school and becoming a doctor. Would those dreams never come true? The financial advisor pointed out that getting disability doesn’t mean you are abusing the system and not contributing to society. Society has ruined what disability is actually about. So, I cried a lot and began filling out the application. I got about half way through, and saved my work to finish it this week. I needed to stop and process.

Today I was woken up by a call from the Social Security Office. They asked if I had started the process to apply for Disability, and if I was planning on finishing to apply and submit my medical records. I replied: “yes.” This lady then proceeded to ask me lots of very difficult, personal questions. I answered all of them. I was extremely emotional, but luckily she couldn’t see my face. At the end of the phone call she informed me that of the two programs I haven’t worked enough in the workforce for one of them, and the other my husband makes too much money. I was crushed. I ended the phone call and lost it. It took me a couple of hours to process what had happened. You see, I handled the results of that conversation as the Rhiannon from July. The broke Rhiannon who was rooming with Murphy. I did not handle that conversation as the mature grown up who has her finances in order, and will be just fine without it.

Today, March 27, 2018 I was denied for Disability as a Cancer Patient who will die someday from this disease, but I will be ok, because Dave has fully entered our lives and taught us values that are creating a stable foundation for us to live on. Does it suck that I am not able to get assistance with affording this disease? Yes. Will we be ok without it? Yes.

If you live with Murphy and his friends Debt and Collection Agency. There is hope for you.

My hope for writing this blog, is that if you are like the Rhiannon from before August. If you live with Murphy and his friends Debt and Collection Agency. There is hope for you. It doesn’t matter how much money you make, you too can live securely, and lose the stress money problems bring. And you might even like your spouse more in the process.

The Bravery Within

2018-03-19T00:00:00Z

March 19, 2018 Rhiannon Walker

Today I picked up the kids for the first time in over 6 months. Today I watched as bravery took over my 5 year olds face and he held it together when his mom lost her strength. He held it together to figure out how to unbuckle his car seat, (which he has never done before), out of fear to help his mom. He held it together as he sprinted up the lane the length of a football field. He sprinted back to the van and assisted Ayla out of her car seat. He held her hand and walked paitently back up the lane. He stayed strong while I told him I was calling an ambulance. Today I watched as my baby turned into a boy. I couldn’t be prouder of him. He is an outstanding, caring, and loving kid.

I’m ok. Still in the ER. There was a ditch fire that got out of hand and a traffic jam that stuck me right in the path. My lung couldn’t take it and instantly shot pain through my remaining left lung. I’ll be ok.

Wyatt showed a level of bravery I would have never expected. I’m proud to know we are raising him right.

My heart is full. I love my little Bubby.

Goodbye Dignity

2018-02-08T00:00:00Z

February 8, 2018

Let’s talk about moods. Sometimes my mood is great and I am happy. Sometimes I feel productive. Sometimes I feel like I can conquer the world. Other times, I feel like 20 tons of bricks are crushing me, and I can’t push them off my chest. I feel like I am stuck in sinking mud and only sinking further. I feel like everyone is against me and I am just this obnoxious person stuck in bed.

Where is this coming from? #

Two weeks ago Thursday, I passed out during Physical Therapy 3 separate times. My blood pressure was dropping causing my body to lose consciousness. Black. Out cold. I chugged 3 bottles of water, called Waylon (ok, the office called Waylon), ate some snacks, and nothing made it better. I couldn’t stand up without passing out. I even passed out in the wheel chair, just sitting upright was causing my blood pressure to tank. This sucks.

Blood Pressure 92/65 #

They called an ambulance to take me to the Emergency Room. I could not get up from a horizontal position. I was forced to use a bed pan, give up on any dignity I had left. Ask my husband to assist in care that should only have to be done at an old age. It hurt my mojo, big time. Good bye sex appeal. I was informed that I would be admitted to the hospital. At first, I was told that I was going to have to share a room. I lost it. Do you know what it is like to be forced to use a bedpan for ALL bathroom activities at the age of 27. Do you know what it is like to have Carcinoid Syndrome where you have no control of your bowels and still have to use that bedpan? I will not share a room. This is bad enough to do this in front of my husband and nurse, but a stranger? HELL NO! I was in the hospital for 2.5 days. I ended up with a private room. They gave me no solution and just told to go home and rest. Limit the amount of getting up and walking. Don’t drive. Take away any independence you feel you should have.

Blood Pressure 83/72 #

Diagnosis: More than likely the Cancer is acting up and you will have to wait and see what the PET scan reveals. PET scan moved up to February 20, 2018. “More than likely” that’s reassuring isn’t it? I don’t get any answers. I feel like I never get answers to my issues. It’s always just guesses, because this disease is a jerk. Fast Forward to Today, and I woke up this morning and the room was spinning. My chest hurt, but nothing new. I went downstairs to let the dog out and check on Ayla (someone else was watching her.) The pain got worse. The pain got horrible. It felt like I couldn’t take a deep breath. I called Waylon to give him a heads up and took pain meds. This is what my life has succumbed to. Taking meds and not moving from bed without the pain getting bad. I try to focus on Cuttin Scrap as my only form of distraction from this horrible disease. I wrote a project blog for most of the day and tried not to move. The pain got worse. I am in a horrible mood. I know I am snapping at those who are just trying to help. I can’t help it. I am in so much pain my filter has snapped. Everything is hitting me at such a high level I just can’t explain it. I am now going to tune into Netflix to turn my mind away from all of this. I hope tomorrow is better, but as for right now….I just can’t take it.

Blood Pressure: 93/74 #

Sensory Processing Disorder

2018-01-04T00:00:00Z

January 4, 2018

Sensory Processing Disorder. What does it mean? It means the the paitents brain takes what we usually can handle like touching different textures, feeling different temperatures, dealing with new situations, doing things out of order, and eating or drinking different substances and they catergorize them as a catastrophic event. Have you ever seen the movie Inside Out, and how Anger completely looses it. Well, that is what the brain does when it can’t handle a certain situation such as when it snows or the blankets are put on her out of order.

via GIPHY

Who is her? Let me introduce you to my badass, incredibly brave, strong daughter Ayla. She is 3. She has been through so much for a child her age, and we think because of what she has been through she developed Sensory Processing Disorder. Dealing with a child who goes through this is difficult to say the least. It takes a lot of breathing. A lot of Occupational Therapy. A lot of rocking in a chair to help her organize and calm down. When I know there are things happening at School or we are going to an event that is not the usual for Ayla I prepare my brain to be on alert for cues that she is struggling. We try to pay extra attention to Ayla in those situations, because we don’t want her to loose control of the situation.

We breath, we monitor her for oral fixations such as sucking her thumb, be on the look out for her to just lay down in an inappropriate place, and try to find a quiet activity for her to do, even if it means watching annoying toy videos on YouTube. It is definitely hard and draining to be her parent sometimes, but she is completely worth it!

When to Pause Netflix

2018-01-04T00:00:00Z

January 4, 2018

There is something about being sick, that also makes you paranoid. I will start to wheeze or cough up blood and instantly feel the need to retreat into a spiral of Google. I’m not not a hypochondriac, but I am seriously ill.

Last year, I got what I thought was the flu. I didn’t feel that bad. When the fever lasted a few days, I called my doctor and was sent to the ER. At the time I was pissed I was getting sent to the ER instead of the doctor just seeing me. This all happened shortly after 8 AM. By 10 I was in the ER, and by 3:30 I was in septic shock. I was dying. I was sent by ambulance to St. Louis where I was kept in the ICU. 12 rounds of IV antibiotics later, and I was ok to be sent home. I was in the hospital for 4 days. I didn’t feel that bad and was dying.

Now, when I feel like I’ve been ran over I think, “how bad is this?” “Can I wait it out?” And that’s usually what I google. I google how long before I absolutely have to go to the Doctor. I know, I am sick, I know I take forever to get over things, but do I really have to stop my Netflix binge?

Moral of the story, sometimes you have to suck it up and call the doctor. Sometimes you have to be polite when they tell you to go to the ER, and sometimes they know what they are talking about.

Another Blow

2017-12-28T00:00:00Z

December 28, 2017

2AM and Gizmo hops off the bed. I growl at the thought of going down stairs to let him out. Then I think of his poor choices to go potty inside. Shit. I decide to take on the responsibility and drag my tired butt out of bed. I take the first step down the stairs when all the sudden I am flung down. Head over heals and landing hard as can be on my left hip. Tumbling to the bottom I land like am avalanche crashing over the road. Tears roll down my face, as all I can utter is: “fuck.” The pain is setting in. I’m not sure I can move, but all I see is Gizmo running around like a headless chicken. I crawl to the door to let him out. The pain shooting through me is like bullets ripping every muscle I have. I grab ahold of the couch and try to pull myself to a standing position. My legs shake and and I instantly know putting weight on my left leg isn’t going to happen. My hip is done for. Shit. Shit. Shit. What am I going to do. Everyone is sleeping. I let Gizmo back in. I make my way to the stairs as tears are streaking my face. The pain I am in is umbarable. I have no choice but to crawl back up the stairs to get to Waylon for some help. Yelling and waking kids is NOT an option. One step at a time, I drag my body up the stairs. I crawl to the side of the bed. At this point I am sobbing. Waylon wakes and turns on the light to figure out what happened. He assess the damage and helps me into bed. Getting pain meds on board I am finally able to calm down and coast back into an uncomfortable sleep. I wake the next morning with the feeling of being ran over. Every part of my hurts. I still can’t walk, my head is throbbing, I’m dizzy, I am bruised horribly. I’m staying in bed. I sleep most of the day. The next morning I wake up, today, and I still can’t walk. Shit. Ok. I guess I should go get checked out. I went to prompt care and cocky Dr. gave me a: “why the hell did you wait” look. Fuck off. She thought something for sure was broken in my hip. X-rays came back and she didn’t see anything. She said after a radiologist reviews it she would call if they see something, but it is highly unlikely. Ok. Good. No breaks.

An hour later my phone rings. Apparently, I have a bone growth on my hip joint that has been there and I irritated it enough to cause pain. This also explains why I have struggled with my hip for some time now. Just fucking great right?!?! The radiologist said that I will need to see my PCP to get a referral to an orthopedic surgeon. If it isn’t fixed it can cause permanent damage which would lead to needing a total hip replacement. Holy fuck! Seriously? I can’t make this shit up! Why does all this stuff happen to me? Ahhhh. Merry FUCKING Christmas, again!

Just Another Crazy Month

2017-06-04T00:00:00Z

July 4, 2017

Life is busy with two littles and a husband, but I wouldn’t change a minute of it. Everyone of our setbacks has been met with lessons and memories. I am a stronger because of what I have gone through. I don’t hold on to meaningless fights.

No, I’m not perfect. I may say or do things that bot everyone agrees with, but when push comes to shove I will do anything for those I love.

Ok enough with the sappiness.

The month of June was busy. I had a last minute appointment in Iowa City to come up with a plan to evaluate my symptoms. Having the symptoms is the prime example the Cancer is still in my body. Confirmation of symptoms means I have Carcinoid Syndrome. The only way to confirm this is with injections, well blood work too. Dr. Dillion decided to put me on short acting Octreotide Injections 3X a day. The prescription was wrote June 8th. Insurance drug his feet and I was finally able to start the shots on June 17th.

The trick is that I had a overnight 6 month check up in St. Louis with a CAT scan the 15th and Bronchoscopy 16th. I was checked in and prepped to go under anesthesia, but that all came to a screeching halt when the anesthesiologist brought up the point that I could have a Carcinoid Crisis if I go in with Carcinoid Syndrome. This could result in very serious situation, and potentially death. Bronchoscopy off.

Like I said shots were started the next day. Coincidentally they were approved the same day I called and gave insurance a little nudge. Ok I hate waisting money, because insurance drug their feet to approve the med and let me start a med immediately.

Shots are going good. They helped my symptoms immediately. My heart rate has decreased. They make me nauseous and tired, but help with everything else. Feels good to get it figured out. The shots would do nothing if I didn’t have Carcinoid Syndrome.

Mixed in with all the craziness, I have continued with physically therapy twice a week. The great news is they have added actual weight into my workouts, and are kicking my butt. Having a desease that adds weight no matter what is frustrating, and hard to handle most days. I refuse to let it take over. Waylon has committed to helping slap out diet into gear, and I am working out every other day.

Stepping away from medical life for a weekend. We met up with extended family and went camping in Northern Iowa. It was such and incredible get away. Waylon and I even had the chance to hop into kayaks. We needed time out of the walls of our house. It was a beautiful getaway. Best part is there is no cell signal up there. Hello electronic detox!

Unfortunately, when we were literally a minute before loosing cell signal, I got the call that my Grandfather had passed away. It was unexpected, but he was struggling with some health issues for a few years. He’s reunited with his wife now.

July has started with a bang.

Since confirmation of Carcinoid Syndrome, I have continued the injections. I will start monthly long lasting injections at Illinois Cancer Care on the 10th. These injections are technically a form of chemo. It is not curative, but it slows the growth down. I know confusing. I will have to continue the short acting shots for two weeks after the first long acting shot. From there I will always have to carry the short acting shots as a rescue injections.

My bronchoscopy that was stopped last month is rescheduled for Friday the 7th. Based in the results of the CT I am sure they won’t see anything. Just have to check how everything is healing.

One minute at a time.

<3 Rhiannon

5 positives

Kayaks…it felt so good to have some time in nature.
Free books and Courses: trying to restore my mind and make progress towards my dream job. I’ve been studying Anatomy and Physiology lately. Loving it.
Leggings
Support and all the people that help take care of my kids while I am away.
Exercise: the best cure to stress and anxiety

I am surviving with Cancer, is breathing really so much to ask?

2017-05-05T00:00:00Z

May 5, 2017

Dear Doctor Joining My Team,

You don’t know me. You don’t know what I have fought through to get to this point. You have read the charts and you compare me to other patients you may have seen today. I am NOT like others. I don’t just sit on the side line in my case, and want to be treated just as much as a partner as a patient. If it is knowledge I need, recommend a book. I want to know everything. I want you to be blunt and honest with me at a times, even if it gets difficult.

I am a fighter, and since my diagnosis I have learned a lot about myself. First and foremost my 2 small children, Wyatt and Ayla, will pull me through anything. Cancer is not my future, but it is my current and I am surviving. I don’t want to be looked down upon because I’m young. I want to be trusted for my words.

These past few months have been hell. The pain isn’t letting up, and more problems are arriving. There is something else wrong and I need your help in figuring it out because no is not an answer. I need to get better. I will get better!

I wrote this letter to Dr Dillon in Iowa City. I logged on to Blogger today to write about my frustrations, but reading through that letter reminded me of all I have accomplished so far. I am a fighter and I have learned this more and more about myself. However, I also have a ton of anger. I HATE when I am having good weeks, and a single smoker brings me down. I am a 27 year old mother of 2, and I will be a active part of their everyday, but I need to breathe to do this.

I won’t stop fighting, I won’t stop advocating to stores the importance of making areas safe for me to enter. I know I am not the only one who feels this way when coming in contact with smoke, but I know I am the most vocal, and for this I am NOT sorry. Example of the most recent fight:

I was picking up my prescription at the pharmacy (Insurance only covers Kroger and Walmart). There is only one drive thru pharmacy in the Peoria area, and due to my immune system I don’t go into busy places if possible. I rolled down my window to pick up the medication when an employee sitting in the designated smokers area lit up. This isn’t the first time this has happened, and I needed a breathing treatment immediately. I won’t stay quiet. I have contacted the store multiple times, and they have done nothing, so I contacted corporate. This is ridiculous. Why a smokers bench was placed next to the pharmacy is beyond me. JUST MOVE THE BENCH!!

I know you are probably sick of me ranting about cigarettes, I get it. I am sick of my recovery getting set back due to a cigarette or weed (worst then cigarettes). All I want to do is enjoy the nice weather, go to parks with my kids, and be able to drive with my windows down and music up. All I want to do is get better.

I am surviving with Cancer, is breathing really so much to ask?

5 positives:

Nebulizer
Leggings
PT
Great support system
Waylon - he stays strong and helps me get through these breathing attacks.

2 Steps Forward, 1 Step Back

2017-04-26T00:00:00Z

May 26, 2017

What a few weeks it has been. I have been making huge strides in physical therapy. We have added weights to the workouts and I was allowed to start adding leg and core workouts at home.

Great huh?

You see one of the problems with living with an incurable illness is knowing that sometimes setbacks are going to happen, and this is just a part of the rest of my life. I have learned to be ok with setbacks.

This week I had my third set of injections, they injected five locations. I’ve been having increased symptoms before the injection, and the injection caused some issues in themselves. My 6th rib has been swollen immensely and isn’t healing like it is supposed to. During my injection I asked to see the x-ray of my rib, and it will never line up on it’s own. It is completely broken still with a good inch of misalignment. I have contacted my surgeon and they will analyze the issue during my 6th month check up in June. Most likely it will require a surgery to put a plate in to screw my bones back together.

With this discovery my PT has been reduced. The complications that having a fully broken rib puts is pretty great. I have been told that most ribs are supposed to heal themselves within 3 months. I am 5 months post op. I am at a high risk if I fall to causing a punctured lung, bad time to be clumsy. I slipped when installing Ayls’s carseat and landed hard, definitely caused some extra damage and my pain has increased.

Another surgery is nerve racking and frustrating. It will have to be a full open surgery which is what starts my recovery over. Also, my lungs have been super sensitive, and carcinoid syndrome symptoms are increasing. I am struggling with contact to any sort of pollutions such as smoke or exhaust, but also just fine dust caused when cooking or just allergens in the air. Waylon has discovered a mask that is high filter level that isn’t a full on gas mask. I am going to try wearing that all the time when outside or cooking.

Fun huh?

Not all superheros wear capes but some do wear masks! Superhero level upped!!!

I have been thinking about how I can make a difference, and have started getting into baking. I have wanted to pay it forward for all the help we have recieved. I have decided to bake cakes and give them away. I made my first one to give away last night, a chocolate carmel cake. I gave it away today. Sometimes, just being able to put a smile on someone else’s face makes fighting for my life just a little bit easier.

I’ll update you all with a picture in my new mask when it arrives from the great and powerful AMAZON!

<3 Rhiannon

5 Positives

My Kids. They are so sweet and caring, but have the biggest personalities. I think they have the best mixture of both Waylon and I.
My Organization skills. We live in a smaller sized house, and I love the challenge of coming up with unique, stylish organization.
Amazon with Prime Shipping :)
Scientist that are studying Carcinoid Cancer and making advances everyday. I have high hopes that at some point in my life I will be able to reap the benefits of those discoveries.
Youtube - Love watching Cake tutorials!

Universe I am in need of a BREAK!!

2017-03-24T00:00:00Z

March 24, 2017

First of all, I want to start out and say thank you to everyone who came out last weekend. It was an amazing weekend and I am very honored to have been the recipient of such support.

However, since last weekend it has been a challenge. I spent a night in the ER for pain, the following night was up all night puking, followed by last night where my muscles surrounding my lobectomy decided to wake up resulting in a tremendous amount of pain that I couldn’t feel before.

This worn out body is tired. The fight is real. The fight is tough. Where is my break? Just a couple days would be nice.

Signed,

Seriously?!?

PS. 10 positives sounds exhausting right now. Let’s cut it to 5.

I got an appointment for next week with a top Carcinoid Clinic, and was chosen to be part of a clinical trial. Let’s hope United healthcare cooperates.
All the love.
Leggings..Did I mention I won a pair last weekend!
Sprite and Saltines
Netflix and Hulu…Yes, I now have both, don’t judge.

P.P.S - “This is Us” is such a deep rollercoaster of emotions!

What a day/week

2017-03-15T00:00:00Z

March 15, 2017

For the last week I have been dealing with the after effects of the asthma attack. I have had horrible pain associated with it along side of extreme exhasution. I dont know what is going on with my body. I dont know why it has to happen now, but I do know it sucks. Today, I called my doctor to give them an update and they sent me to the ER, so frustrating. ER docs just think my Cancer may be causing negative side effects. I need to contact my regular doctor to work on pain control. I just don’t know anymore.

On the flip side, this weekend is my benefit in Wapello. I am extremely grateful and honored that our family was choosen. My speech is prepared, and I am in the process of making shirts. If only my body agreeded with the process.

Finally, I want to talk a little of Wyatt. I don’t know what is going on with him, but it breaks my heart. He is constantly coming home with yellow and red lights. He tells me he doesn’t like getting in trouble at school. We talk about it with him. I do see some bad behavior at home and we definitely see the agression, but i just want to swaddle him up and hold on to his innocence. I want to know what the right answer is. We meet with his pediatrition today. Let’s hope he has some answers.

Today is also the 14th anniversary of losing my mom. I miss her so much, and just want her to know fighting this battle is so hard, but I’m not done with my time with my kids.

This week I am thankful for the inventor of silhouette, my speaking skills, leggings, my kids, fast ER visits, oreos, friends, Waylon, music, and surprise gifts in the mail.

Taking everything one minute at a time… <3 Rhiannon

Surviving one year at a time…

2017-03-03T00:00:00Z

March 3, 2017

There was a part of me who didn’t think I would make it to see today. I heard the diagnosis and my tired, very worn out, overwhelmed body thought it would not happen. There was NO way I was going to make it to see 27. I was fairly certain I was not going to survive surgery. I was fairly certain that I was going to let cancer win.

I never told anyone. I never said the words out loud, until now.

I fought,
I fought for every tear.
I fought for every scar.
I fought for my family.
I fought for my friends.
But most of all, I fought for ME!

So, here I am. I made it. I survived another day. On this day it’s not just another day, it’s MY DAY!!! I AM SURVIVING ONE YEAR AT A TIME!

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, I don’t know what this year will look like, but I do know I WILL be present the ENTIRE year.

10 positives: ME, ALL ME, and some leggings! ;)

<3 Rhiannon

A Letter to my Mom…

2017-02-10T00:00:00Z

February 10, 2017

Hi Mom,

Where do I start, I miss you. You already know that. This has been a rollercoaster, this has all been a rollercoaster and I know your protecting me with the chest straps, but it’s time to down grade to the little kid Dragon and not the Tornado. It would give your arms a break, you wouldn’t have to hold on quite so hard.

Who am I kidding, I don’t ever want you to let me go. I only had you for half my life and in a few days I turn 27 meaning I officially will have spend more days without you than with you.

Ya, I know you never left me, but the physical touch, the warmth of your hug, the smell of your lotion, the feel of your body being close to me. I could just feel the love radiate. A feeling I only now understand as a Mother.

I guess what I want to say most has already been said a million times. Protect me, give me the strength. I need the strength, but most of all the humor, the sarcastic tone. That’s who I am at my core, the person that directly reflects you. If I can’t have my humor then I don’t have the strength to be me. I need humor to get through this. Maybe I should start packing bendable straws in my hospital bags. :)

I love you so much, I know you are the one giving my that guiding hand when stuff gets hard. Pulling me just to the left of the right side to give me the motivation to get the rest of the way right on my own. For all that I appreciate you. I will see you one day, but that day better not be soon, because I’m not ready to give up all this.

So let’s crank up some Pink Floyd and jam out the Mom Mobile! We will rock this!!!

Love, Your Baby

Becoming an All-star!

2017-01-30T00:00:00Z

January 30, 2017

When your life gets put into risk and dying becomes closer than living, everything changes. The hugs mean just that much more. The “I love yous” stick. What goes in your body or surrounds your body now means the world! When your body fails you and medicine revives you, you are not yet a super hero.

I feel like Deadpool in the hyperbaric chamber. My body is going through all these chemical changes so that I can become an all-star! Make no mistake all-star qualities are arriving by the minute. Little things don’t mean as much to me, like getting the laundry done. Instead I would rather spend the extra time reading one more book at bedtime to my kids. I now think eating dessert should come first, because you NEVER know.

What happened you ask that forced this change? Tuesday happened, and by Tuesday night I was taken by ambulance to Barnes hospital. It took 12 rounds of IV antibiotics to save me. I’m not going to go into the details, because they are not important to the general public, but what is important is that I survived. I am still here for my kids, family, and friends.

So how do you change your life for the positive? How do you hang on with everything to see the next day? It’s a feeling. It’s putting on a new pair of glasses with the correct prescription strength. It’s putting faith in your medical team, and trusting your gut.

Mostly what got me through that night was saying over, and over again, “Wyatt and Ayla need their Mommy!”

Take care of your body. Take care of those you love. It’s not worth the risk of what you’d leave behind.

10 positives as promised:

Medicine - truly did save my life
My Children
Waylon - Man I love him, that was a lot to put on him, and a scare drive alone down to St. Louis.
My age - I am confident that with my age, I will prevail and kick Cancer’s behind.
Netflix and Puzzles - there is only so much you can do in a hospital bed.
My Guardian Angel - because of her I believe I am here. Miss you Mom.
Leggings
Family and Friend’s love and support.
Excedrin - these migraines have been horrendous lately.
Our shower - man it felt great to take a shower once I got home!

With Love,

Rhiannon

When it Hits, IT HITS!!!

2017-01-02T00:00:00Z

January 2, 2017

I’m a 26 year old with cancer. I know you know this, but it is important that this is heard more than once. You see it didn’t hit me till over a month past my diagnosis. In other words, just now. I am a 26 year old mother with cancer. The tumor has been removed and I see the Oncologist February 1st.

Recovery has not been easy from surgery and I don’t think that I even talked to you guys in depth about it. I was told going into my hospital stay that it would be a 4-5 day stay. Once I actually completed the surgery I was told there was no way in hell I was getting out that early and I would for sure be there at least a week. What’s two more days right? Two more days is Christmas Eve, and Christmas, two more days is suffering through the chest tube hell. Two more days is two days. This is the point in my recovery that the anger kicked in. I was told I’d be home for Christmas, but had a feeling in my gut that I was wrong. There it is, that gut feeling again. The gut feeling that is usually right. I’m a 26 year old mother of two with cancer.

I made it through the holidays in the hospital, I watched my kids open their first presents on hangouts before my internet connection cut out. On Monday I had a Bronchoscopy where they were checking to see if they found a air bubble in my lung, then they were going to remove the chest tube while I was under and I was possibly going home Monday night. I woke up with a chest tube still in place. I knew I was not going home. Something about the Doctor caring or something like that. :) They saw 1 air bubble, but they didn’t want my chest to fill with air on the way home and me die. Okay I’m thankful they care and are looking out for my safety, but damn was I ready to go home.

I’m a 26 year old college graduate and I have cancer. I came home on Tuesday after what felt like the longest discharge and car ride possible. Once I got home I noticed that my right leg kept falling asleep. A Dopler test was done Saturday, and an enlarged lymph node was found in my groin. They are leaning towards believing it’s cancerous but won’t do anything right now because I can’t go through any further treatments until I recover further. Are you keeping track? I had a Carcinoid tumor removed along with my bottom left lobe in my lung, a liver that lit up the PET Scan, and an enlarged lymph node in my groin.

I am a 26 year old who ate whole foods, exercised frequently, never smoked, never did drugs, never even had the desire to. Over came the death of my mother at 13. Went through bed rest twice with my kids, had a hysterectomy last year an I have Cancer! I dealt with everything life threw at me. I just don’t know how to deal with this. Everyone has their positive comments towards me, the love, the prayers, the energy and as I am thankful for all of it. SOMETIMES. THIS. SUCKS!

In preparation for meeting the Oncologist I have been warned that I most likely with go threw one round of chemotherapy at least! You no what is silly? I am most afraid of losing my hair. It’s not the physical losing of the hair, it is the fact that strangers will know. Random people will know. It will now not be left to me to tell them. I’m thinking I need to get an awesome henna design tattooed on my bald head at some point, I mean how many times in your life are you bald without it being correlated to a mid life crises?

Finally, I may have cancer, but it will just be another step in my life. Hey, I may not be able to climb a physical mountain anymore, but I am getting really great at climbing emotional ones. I plan to summit Mount Cancer in 2017, plant my flag, and climb down!

Ok I made a deal, 10 positives:

Leggings - I wasn’t kidding I really love leggings!
My caring 4 year old
Adorable smiles from Ayla, and her new annunciation of the word: “Yes.”
Toast to keep down the nausea, thanks for the suggestion Grandma :)
Computers to vent on.
Love and support from family and friends through everything.
All of the people who drove down and visited, really helped Waylon and I deal emotionally through the difficult hospital stay.
Having the surgery over the holiday, which gave me the room to have a private room at the hospital, which meant Waylon could stay with me.
Excedrin and Doctors who were able to listen to me to understand that is all that I needed.
The removal of Chest Tubes!! Have I mentioned that it was horrible to have in?

Recovery

2016-12-23T00:00:00Z

December 23, 2016

Starting from the beginning of post surgery recovery, Monday.

…..hmmm, I don’t remember much from Monday, I was told I was joking with my Dad nice to hear my sense of humor survived the surgery.

Tuesday-Thursday.

I woke up on Tuesday with the worst headache. Every time someone came in to ask how I was feeling I kept repeating: “you know my incision isn’t bad, but this migraine it’s a 10!”

Everyday they kept adding a different narcotic to the list and hoping it would solve the issue by the end of the day, and everyday I said the same thing!

Thursday it was like a light went off in my head. I knew they were giving me a blood thinner shot in my stomach, so why exactly could I not have Excedrin? When I asked my nurse she simply told me that she wasn’t sure on that and was going to ask the doctor, because she understood what it felt like to have a migraine and it truly is the worst! We were told that the hospital doesn’t carry Excedrin, but if someone went and bought it then a pharmacist could verify it and they could give it to me!

" Say What? Why am I just now finding out?"

I sent Waylon on a journey, but while he was gone we had another revelation. The hospital actually carries Excedrin and the doctors have put in the order so as soon as the floor receives it I can have it! Holy Moly was I mad, it took 4 days for them to figure this out!!

3 hours later I have the Excedrin in had and within a hour I was migraine free. AMAZING!!!

I was able to make huge strides in my recovery process also. I could eat and not be nauseous, I could walk in the hall without sunglasses, I could actually talk to people without wanting to hurt someone, because their voice was killing my head!

Friday = Today.

Woke up feeling decent. My incision site has become sore, but that is expected. I have a chest tube in place which hurts quite a bit, but the pain meds, at least there are some that don’t cause migraines, are helping with getting me out of bed without help. I walked a decent length of the unit before becoming winded. I have ate a normal amount of breakfast and lunch, and got to chat with my brothers and post on social media for the first time. This has been a big change since B.E. (Before Excedrin).

I did find out that I will be in the hospital till at least Monday or Tuesday, and I find this a difficult discovery. I’m starting to come to terms with not being with the kids through Christmas, and will look forward to hold my babies again. I can’t thank all of our caretakers enough! I know both kids have been sick, and Gizmo is a pain, but everyone has been extremely amazing!

In the end, I will have one big scar and a story to tell, but I am strong enough to fight the recovery of a left sleeve lobectomey and survive! Bring it on, I can take it!

The Date has Been Set

2016-12-17T00:00:00Z

December 17, 2016

Things have been flying since we met with the surgeon in St Louis. The surgeon needs a clear picture to decide the right direction during surgery, so they decided to do another repeat bronchoscopy right before surgery.

Surgery is Monday!!

I can’t believe I’m saying that but we leave tomorrow to head down to St. Louis. I have the kid’s bags packed and will pack ours in the Morning. It’s happening. I will be tumor free by Tuesday!

I’m nervous about the pain, the hospital food, and possibly ending up with a roommate (meaning Waylon can’t stay in the room with me).

As the nerves build, so does the excitement to have surgery over and be on the upside of recovery.

Ten positives:

Friends to watch the kids and dog
Leggings…no really I just love leggings
YouTube..we got the wheel barring on our van fixed. Now it’s a lot quieter on road noise.
Chocolate…enough said
Netflix to keep me busy with no commercials.
A washer to clean our sheets after our kind 4 year old climbs into bed and proceeds to pee.
Christmas lights…they are pretty!!!!
Meds to help relax and sleep
Quickness in scheduling of the surgery.
Insurance. As much as we gripe about it, we would be paying so much more without it.

Surgery time is 10:30am and will post an update as soon as I am able to. It will take 4-6 hours. Stay tuned!!!

With much LOVE, Rhiannon

Christmas Time ehhh

2016-12-11T00:00:00Z

December 11, 2016

Christmas is two weeks away and traffic is insane in Peoria. I am struggling to find the cheer that the holiday season usually brings.

We found out last week that I am getting sent to Barnes Jewish Hospital in St. Louis since my lung resection requires a specialist to operate. We get to meet with the surgeon on Wednesday to discuss how the surgery is going to go, along with a possible date for surgery. If I have ever had any Christmas wish that meant more to me it would be to have the surgery this year!

How have I been feeling? Not so hot. I have been very exhausted and feel out of breath constantly. I was hospitalized towards the end of last week due to a pain in my lower right lung area. We came to the conclusion that the breathing exercises during the MRI last week put my right lung in stress that it caused a muscle strain. Never thought that could happen, but I also never thought that a 26 year old non smoking adult would be diagnosed with lung cancer.

The support that we have received in the last couple of weeks has been overwhelming. From texts to check in, donations to our Go Fund Me, and physical help with the kids and around the house I couldn’t be more grateful. However, as much as we have loved the help I think we are going to need a lot of it in the coming weeks.

I’ve been told I need a little attitude adjustment towards this diagnoses. :) Ok I admit I am a little bit of a Negative Nancy. I know enough to know that I am going through the stages of grief just receiving the diagnosis, let alone dealing with the symptoms that come along with it. So, I’ve decided to start to end each blog with the top 10 positives since the last blog. I might need all of your help to keep me on my word as time goes on. Think you can do that? Thanks!

Positives:

My Children’s Literature class in college: I picked up a book to read to Wyatt, “Mom has Cancer,” and he seams to be really drawn to it. He is at that age that he understands enough, and yet he doesn’t. He likes to start each day with asking, “Mom do you still have Cancer?” I think hearing those words out of his little mouth has actually helped me accept it.
Christmas Lights: As much of a grump and scrooge I have been this season there is one thing I always find magical: the sparkling of Christmas lights all over town. Well that and the crazy ones who go a little too far decorating, but I appreciate the laugh.
Leggings: Lets face it, this might make everyone of my lists. ;)
Awesome understanding Nurses: I was put in a room with a roommate during my stay, and had a little anxiety knowing Waylon couldn’t stay with me. My nurse jumped into action and informed me my roommate was getting discharged and she would put a block on my room to prevent anyone else being added.
Non Christmas Music Stations on the Radio…Let us face it when you are not in the mood for Christmas nothing makes is worse than those 24/7 Christmas music being blasted everywhere!
Visitors…I have appreciated those that have taken the time out of their day to visit me during this difficult time. Just those few hours here and there have made me forget for even just a little bit what is going on.
Chocolate, enough said.
Special packages in the mail….I feel like a small child again when I check the mail and there is a surprise package waiting for me.
My kids, again enough said.
Waylon, he really has done a tremendous amount for me during this time, and I know it is only going to get worse. I am really a needy patient when I don’t feel good, but the love and care definitely doesn’t go unnoticed.

There, I did it, see… 10 things I can be positive about during this time!

Until next time, thanks for all the love!

If you want a way to help us out here are some ideas:

~My AWESOME friend, started up an Adopt a Family Amazon Christmas list: http://a.co/eupN2e3

~Our GoFundMe Account: https://www.gofundme.com/Aylasmedicalfund

~ OR COME VISIT!!!P

The Hard Days Have Begun

2016-12-05T00:00:00Z

December 5, 2016

Things are starting to line up, and tomorrow is the day I meet with the surgeon. Wyatt is going to start all day preschool to try and help him get things under control. I’m feeling very overwhelmed. I don’t even knowing which way to think. All I can do is curl up in a ball and melt. Not feeling an ounce of that strength everyone keeps talking about. Right now all I feel is a frightening thought of the days ahead. My baby going to school, the MRI, the surgery, the recovery, the fear of pain. I don’t have strength. Right now I am a puddle, and a hundreds of people are splashing me in every direction, but my tears replenish the puddle faster than people can take them away. I’m hurting physically, and emotionally.

The Hard Days have BEGUN!

Waiting

2016-11-30T00:00:00Z

November 30, 2016

I’ve always struggled with patience. I like to seek immediate results. I can’t even wait to give presents. So you can see how waiting for a life changing result would affect me. My heart is racing, and I can barely sit still, let alone sleep. I just want answers!

I have been told countless times to stay positive. Let me tell you a little secret…I’m NOT a positive person. You don’t become a fighter by staying positive. If I was always positive I wouldn’t catch signs of trouble. These are things I have learned through my last two years fighting for Ayla.

I ALWAYS FOLLOW MY GUT!!!

My gut hasn’t been wrong yet. However, in this particular case I what it to be wrong. I want this to all be solved through surgery. I want to be able to put this nightmare behind me.

I need to be wrong for my kids. Time will tell, I guess. For now I’ll aim for neutral.

Back to waiting, and my NCIS Netflix binge. Please let the minutes fly by!!!

The Moment Life stops

2016-11-25T00:00:00Z

November 25, 2016

“You have cancer, a carcinoid tumor in your left lung.“These were the words I heard Wednesday, November 23, 2016 at 12:20pm. This is the exact moment in time, when I started questioning my future.

I left the office, briskly walked to my car and sobbed. I couldn’t believe the words I just heard. I am 26 years old. I have two small children. How can I have cancer? How will I tell my family, my friends, and what does this mean for my future?

Driving home from the appointment was a blur. I parked in front of my house and got out of the car, as I walked up the driveway Waylon opened the door and two small faces came bursting out from behind him. I looked into his eyes and shook my head. With a shake of my head I just changed his life. I lost it again, I laid my head on his shoulders and began to wonder would this be the start of counting down hugs?

As I’m sobbing, Wyatt senses something isn’t right and jumps into the couch and curls into his knees. Ayla let’s out a whimper and hugs my legs. I kneel down and hold her, and Wyatt springs into action wrapping his arms around me.

In that exact moment, I decided to fight.

Holding those kids, my kids, is the most important thing to me, and I don’t want to loose that privilege.

The rest of the day is a blur, packing to leave to go to Iowa for Thanksgiving, calling family, and texting friends. Breaking the news to those closest to me. Physically saying the words, but feeling nothing. Numb to lightening that just stuck me, but feeling the effects with every wheeze that escapes.

I continue to remain numb, completing the actions and ignoring the emotions. I make it through most of Thanksgiving until my Grandpa calls me. He doesn’t know yet. My Dad didn’t get a chance to call him yet. I ignore the call. Take a couple minutes to realize I can’t ignore this call. This man is sitting at home alone worried about his Granddaughter. I pick up the phone and call him back. The first part of the call I remain numb, I give him the details regarding my cancer, everything I know up until this point. Then it happens. He breaks down, sobs are echoing through the phone. Tears pool in my eyes. He tells me this has been the hardest year. He tells me how scared he is for me, how scared he is for something to happen to me. I tell him the good thing is I’m young and fairly healthy, I have a good chance. We hang up, and I immediately dart upstairs away from the packed house and into an empty room. I sit on the bed and sob uncontrollably. What do I possibly have to be thankful for. Why do I need to put on a face for all these people? I have every right to be angry. I’m done putting on the show. This is me and I have cancer.

We decided to head back to Waylon’s parents house. I gather all our stuff, ask for assistance loading it, and within the hour I have packed our stuff and children into the van.

Getting to Waylon’s parents my lungs are hurting, but I am open with my emotions and everyone is understanding. The empathy is flowing in a raging river, and I have nothing to say but “Thank you.”

Now, where do we go from here? I’m told things move at a fast pace from this point forward. I’m told to be strong. I’m told to fight like hell. I’m told to breathe.

What I Feel is: This Fucking Sucks! I’d apologize for my language, but cussing releases endorphins, and I could use all the endorphins I can get.

I will fight, I will be strong for my kids, and I will hold them a little tighter.

This Blog just took a turn for war and the first shot has been fired.

Upcoming Dates: *PET Scan - Wednesday, November 30 *Meet with the Surgeon - December 6 (Surgery will follow a couple days after. I will be in the hospital for 5-7 days following surgery.)

Is December over yet?