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February 8, 2018
Let’s talk about moods. Sometimes my mood is great and I am happy. Sometimes I feel productive. Sometimes I feel like I can conquer the world. Other times, I feel like 20 tons of bricks are crushing me, and I can’t push them off my chest. I feel like I am stuck in sinking mud and only sinking further. I feel like everyone is against me and I am just this obnoxious person stuck in bed.
Where is this coming from? #
Two weeks ago Thursday, I passed out during Physical Therapy 3 separate times. My blood pressure was dropping causing my body to lose consciousness. Black. Out cold. I chugged 3 bottles of water, called Waylon (ok, the office called Waylon), ate some snacks, and nothing made it better. I couldn’t stand up without passing out. I even passed out in the wheel chair, just sitting upright was causing my blood pressure to tank. This sucks.
Blood Pressure 92/65 #
They called an ambulance to take me to the Emergency Room. I could not get up from a horizontal position. I was forced to use a bed pan, give up on any dignity I had left. Ask my husband to assist in care that should only have to be done at an old age. It hurt my mojo, big time. Good bye sex appeal. I was informed that I would be admitted to the hospital. At first, I was told that I was going to have to share a room. I lost it. Do you know what it is like to be forced to use a bedpan for ALL bathroom activities at the age of 27. Do you know what it is like to have Carcinoid Syndrome where you have no control of your bowels and still have to use that bedpan? I will not share a room. This is bad enough to do this in front of my husband and nurse, but a stranger? HELL NO! I was in the hospital for 2.5 days. I ended up with a private room. They gave me no solution and just told to go home and rest. Limit the amount of getting up and walking. Don’t drive. Take away any independence you feel you should have.
Blood Pressure 83/72 #
Diagnosis: More than likely the Cancer is acting up and you will have to wait and see what the PET scan reveals. PET scan moved up to February 20, 2018. “More than likely” that’s reassuring isn’t it? I don’t get any answers. I feel like I never get answers to my issues. It’s always just guesses, because this disease is a jerk. Fast Forward to Today, and I woke up this morning and the room was spinning. My chest hurt, but nothing new. I went downstairs to let the dog out and check on Ayla (someone else was watching her.) The pain got worse. The pain got horrible. It felt like I couldn’t take a deep breath. I called Waylon to give him a heads up and took pain meds. This is what my life has succumbed to. Taking meds and not moving from bed without the pain getting bad. I try to focus on Cuttin Scrap as my only form of distraction from this horrible disease. I wrote a project blog for most of the day and tried not to move. The pain got worse. I am in a horrible mood. I know I am snapping at those who are just trying to help. I can’t help it. I am in so much pain my filter has snapped. Everything is hitting me at such a high level I just can’t explain it. I am now going to tune into Netflix to turn my mind away from all of this. I hope tomorrow is better, but as for right now….I just can’t take it.